Things to do before you turn 30: find ‘disposable’ Love?

[Disclaimer: Jess is a bitch who likes bitching, take it or leave it.]

No statistics have ever proven that Love should be found before the age of 30 – or 25 whatever the cultural environment dictates; nor that one should marry or have children before the age of 30. Yet people seem to obsess with settling down with someone before they turn a specific age, 30 being the most popular. It almost becomes a race between friends and acquaintances  – girls mostly, but guys too. She got engaged before I did; look at that rock on her finger; they got pregnant already!

What statistics seem to prove however is that each year half the number of people getting married, get divorced. There, I am also giving you the gilded version of the data, most sources would plainly say that 50% of marriages end in divorce each year. Not that by this interpretation this is any better, despite variation per country and per age group. This isn’t all: statistics also seem to demonstrate a higher divorce rate for those who marry in their twenties. All in all 10% of all marriages end in divorce within the first 5 years, with chances decreasing proportionally to the age of the bride and groom*.

Why is this so?

Quoting one of my best friends  with whom I often muse about what the future holds for spinsters like us: who says love should be found within the first third of your life? Love can come at any time in your life, it doesn’t necessarily materialize before you turn 30.

Now we may come across as women on the verge of desperation listening to their marriage clock ticking… It’s indeed not desperation. I would rather call it schadenfreude, the same that seem to show through when certain couples act like they know the secret of life an true love and don’t miss a chance to remind you – single woman – how you are ‘failing’ for not being a in relationship and preach you should find a  boyfriend to settle down and be happy with, like they are. Oh, and they hold hands and cuddle while they patronize you.

Only to realize short after that the flame of passion has extinguished and their perfect happy relationship isn’t so perfect after all. And on they go on a quest for the next disposable love. Short after could be a few weeks, or months, or even a few years of marriage (children included). No worries, I am in no hurry. When that day comes I’ll be the one looking at you with schadenfreude in my eyes.

Okay, forgive the hormonal driven spinster rant.

Why I am still single? The last thing I want to do is place the reason of my happiness on another person, lose my individual identity only to drown in an unhappy relationship solely for the sake of conforming to the rules of ‘normal’ society. Why are you in a relationship?

Thanks Sloane, exactly how I feel sometimes. Relax people, relax. _________________________________________________________________________________

[*no specific source, a result of a bit of googling]

Premature Marriage Commitment

A message to self and to my fellow spinsters : we are 30ish and we are still saying “When I get married..”. It is not even “if I get married”, it’s “when”.

Let’s face it, most women only want to get married. However, finding Mr Right is an interminable quest, so many girls would just turn any good-enough date into the ‘right’ one – as fast as possible (seize the day!). In women’s mind it pretty much goes like this:

“Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but I am already picturing out our wedding day and life together”.

Premature Marriage Commitment is to women between 25 and 40 what Premature Ejaculation is to teenage boys.

According to Wikipedia Premature Ejaculation is that condition in which a man ejaculates earlier than his partner would like him to. Now, by that definition, women suffer from Premature Marriage Commitment, that condition in which a woman commits to a marriage-track relationship way earlier than her partner (date would be a more appropriate term at this stage of the relationship) would like her to. 

If men manage to slow down as they age, women’s rapidity to commit to marriage gets faster and faster as they get oldAre narrow marriage-minded women scary?.

What are the causes of Premature Marriage Commitment?

Hundreds of years of programming to fear spinsterhood that feminism and modern women emancipation have not been able to erase.

During the happy first five years in their twenties, women live in the belief that there will always be quality men they want to marry and that they can save marriage for after they launch their career, only to wake up one day at the magical age of 30 and realize that their dating market power is on the decline (Ouch!!).

What are the signs of Premature Marriage Commitment?

~ You barely know her and you are instantly in a Facebook Relationship (or even better, she has deleted your Facebook profile, to create one of you two);

~ You tell her that you will call her the day after a date and she calls you as soon as you walk in your house after the date;

~ She is obsessed with your family;

~ She has her wedding day planned already, down to the colour of the bridesmaids’ dresses and flower arrangement.

How to prevent Premature Marriage Commitment?

You can’t. Any form of romantic attention is taken very seriously. Anything you say is translated into marriage-vocabulary in her mind, there is nothing you can say to her to make her think you don’t love her. Even if you stop being nice and amusing her, she will try even harder to prove how much you love her.

If you have met a narrow marriage-minded girl, you are trapped. Keep calm and say “I do”.

The Guy Repellent Vibe

I am here to offer myself as a guinea pig for scientific research. There is something all women of this planet need a cureloveball_20070220a-1 for: the guy repellent vibe. No, it’s not when you are lesbian – that is something that turns men on! – it is when you want a man [desperately] and they just all run away from you. What is worse is that, when you are giving off this kind of vibe, there will always be a happily-related girl friend of yours who is attracting them all. Nice. And she nods her head faking embarrassment (but giggling inside), because she is is oh! engaged… You gotta forgive me, but I strangely feel the urge to kill you now.

No, seriously. I don’t know what is worse, the repellent vibe itself or the friend. But the two things together – and they always come in pair – are a curse. Nothing could ruin a night out more. All your good propositions destroyed by some idiot who is hitting on her instead of you.There is one thing only that will cheer me up right now, get crazy drunk and vomit on your shoes. And you are a good friend, so you will look after me, because I am the sad, desperate, miserable one- you lucky thing.

Why, why oh why do women get unable to attract men when they need one the most? Why can’t a woman who is good-looking, intelligent, nice and funny find a man? Okay, okay, I know the answer, it’s because she has the “I am desperate and will latch to any decent man” written right on her forehead (and decent really means any man). I know the bullsh$t, you are lonely and needy, distant, unpleasant and not truly interested, your body speaks on your behalf, you can pretend as much as you can, but you are f%cked – the guy repellent vibe possesses you.

That’s why we need an antidote.

I don’t want advice, that won’t work until the guy repellent vibe has been annihilated. And I don’t want to hear that I myself am the cause of my inability to find a man – that I should change my attitude (as if it was possible..). That is going to kill what is left of my self-esteem and the carcass will feed the evil vibe bigger and stronger. No, I need an antidote, a cure, a remedy, a potion, any kind of substance the science can find to neutralize the repellent vibe.

Bad thing it hasn’t been discovered yet. Tell me how I shouldn’t freak out now, I’m 32, time is ticking out!

loveball_20070220a-2Wanna see more of Miss Spinster? Check out the creator’s website!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, PUT YOUR HANDS UP! UP IN DA CLUB!

They were once called spinsters, nowadays, please, call them single ladies.

What makes a single lady a spinster? The dictionary reads a spinster is a woman still unmarried beyond the conventional age of marrying. I wonder what this conventional age of marrying is supposed to be. I must have passed the conventional age of marrying as I often happen to be asked: “When are you going to find a man?”.

First of all folks, things are usually found by chance or rather accidentally, you can’t plan to find anything. “I’m going to find the keys I lost tomorrow at 6”. Unless you are a clairvoyant.

Secondly, they don’t sell prince charming at the shopping centre (I wish they did, but they don’t sell any type of guy at all, I’m afraid), so I’m basically waiting to bump into him sooner or later. Better be riding a white horse…

Then, it is ALWAYS non-single women that ask the single ones the above mentioned question, accompanied by a pitiful expression. From their look you can tell they are sure you must be leading a very miserable life. You poor, sad, lonely and troubled woman. I blame Beyoncé for this, it’s all her fault, “single ladies” is shouted too close to “put a ring on it” and too many times in the same song!
Well, it is indeed very miserable going clubbing every third day, looking fabulous and being smart and glamorous. Not to mention free, independent, autonomous, emancipated. Admit it, you are secretly envious of single women, not just because they’re glamorous blah, blah, blah, because it takes guts to be on your own.

Singletude pills, taken to grow guts, have contraindications that are never mentioned on the informative leaflet, though. Once you get to be an independent, autonomous, emancipated woman, it gets harder and harder to find a prince charming. Not that a kiss from an emancipated woman cannot turn a frog into a prince, but when there is no beauty to rescue, princes get confused and don’t know how to act.

It might take some kissing of frogs before a decent prince comes along your way. Luckily princes are not all the same. A few of them are used to a lot of fighting (dragons) and are not scared of strong women. A few more others are not used to much fighting, but can learn how to handle and love an independent, emancipated woman (never give up hope). That is what single ladies are waiting for, as they don’t want to stick with a weak prince or, worse, with one of the frogs.

I’d rather get married at 40 than get divorced at 40*.

Prince Charming

*This thought is courtesy of my beloved friend Katharina, happily related to my other beloved friend Maik.