Please call me ‘Your Highness!–tales of when I become a princess [pt 1]

Kate has proved it, commoners can become royals. You can count me in the princess crowd.

I am destined to a Prince, a real blue-blooded crown-headed prince. He will come along and we will have a wonderful wedding like William and Kate just had (with the exception of Pippa; no fine @ss to steal the show from me on my wedding day). This is no fairytale, these things really happen. Don’t think of the damsel in distress cliché, I am talking about real women that have the guts to face the fishbowl of royal life, the public eye and tabloids, and the unenviable duties that come with it (as well as the money and material wealth). Princess-hood is no piece of cake. I am indeed a natural born princess.Prince-Carl-Philip

Thus established, let’s find my prince. Browsing royal bachelors I have recognised him at first sight: Prince Carl Philip of Sweden (I mean, have you seen him? he is f**king hot! and the others are too young anyway…). Perfect, I have a prince, now let’s get ready for my royal future. It is necessary to work hard in order to reach the princess status (no, he doesn’t know yet, but he will find out soon, he will be struck at first sight, exactly like me).

I have recently taken on Swedish classes to prepare for my future as princess of Sweden (shame on him he is not the crown prince, I would have made a perfect queen). I am also practicing my hand waving, as being a royal involves a lot of waving to the crowds from the balcony. Arm doesn’t move, wrist swifts softly, hands waves princessly. I am practicing my walk too, as it has to look like I am floating, floating through the courtyard of my palace. I am also working to refine my ribbon cutting technique. What’s left? Oh yes, I suppose I will have to start to mingle in the right circles and be with the right people… well, I know some Swedes, that should be fine.

I am ready to be scrutinized and defeat all other princess-hood aspirants. Carl Philip, brace yourself, here I come!

[what’s the cheapest airline to fly to Sweden?]

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Reverse Chivalry

Ah, modern guys. Or modern girls, either way.

I have grown up believing that all a woman had to do was use her body language to tell the man she is interested. The man would have to do the rest – approach her, ask her out, get her number, call her, pick her up, take her on a date, pay for the drinks, take her home and kiss her good night. This routine for a few dates until she grants him the honour to take her into the bed (there seems to be a third-date-rule regarding this…).

This is prehistory. Today women are modern, emancipated and adventurous so they like making the first move (and the second, the third, the fourth..). Not that they are left with any alternative. If they wait for Prince Charming to come along by their simple flattering of eyelashes, they can wait forever, especially modern princes. If you ask the guys they all seem to be conservative and state that courting is a prerogative of men. In practice, they have lost the skill. Women had to break the taboo, for the conservation of the human species.

So it began, the era of women approaching and courting men. But how does it work? Offering them a drink probably works quite well, but how to proceed from there? I reckon guys wouldn’t accept flowers, or chocolates or stuffed animals in the same light as women do. Are women also supposed to pick them up and open the car door for them? There don’t seem to be set rules, but one thing is clear already: men are enjoying the flattery. They like the attention they are getting from women and they are getting so used to it, they almost seem to be seeking it all the time purely for the sake of being flattered left and right.

All this reverse chivalry can turn out to be amusing for ladies too. It certainly is more fun than simply sit waiting and it requires inventiveness. Girls can pull incredible courting acts out of their hat to surprise men. Yes, courting men and their reactions to reverse chivalry can be amusing, until… sbang! there comes the rejection.

Rejection per se is fine. Okay no, it’s not fine but we can live with that, I mean girls have the chance to be turned down like guys, but what entails emotional turmoil is the fact that guys don’t express their feelings clearly (the sassy side of me would like to add that men are jerks, full stop). Phone calls and textes start to gradually trail off. The moment they may realize you have lost interest, they suddenly re-appear temporarily, just to re-assure themselves you still like them and would go any length to pursue them. They would text, possibly at night (even the booty-call  has been surpassed by the booty-text), just to make sure you are answering and showing up in a nanosecond. Straight after that, they disappear again.They basically cheat to get the girl’s attention, and some sex, but not necessarily, the ego is often satisfied with just a bit adulation.

Now I wonder, did women use to be such bitches in the past? Is this payback?

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PATHETIC BACHELORS

If you’re male, approaching 40 or over and single, you had better not read. You might not like what I am about to say.
On the premise that I like older guys and always have.

Men mistakenly think that only women have a biological clock and that only women’s looks will fade with time. The problem is you guys have a clock too and only a few of you get better looking as getting older. Drizzled hair might have its charm, but I am sorry you’re not all George Clooney.

Just a few of you figure out they have a clock and are able to understand when it is the right time and the right woman to settle down. Other will keep chasing after 15/20-year-younger girls only to be confused on why they are rejected. Take a long hard look in the mirror, please.

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What I don’t seem to understand is if you all really believe time has not passed for you, or if you just wish to become a sugar daddy. In both cases, you often just look creepy.
I see you in the clubs, sweating and dancing embarrassingly. You are all over your prey, the prettiest of a pack of girls. You are drunk. She is not impressed at all and looking around (sipping the drink you bought her or waiting for you to get her one). If she goes to the ladies you turn and whisper to your buddies that she can’t wait to be in bed with you. Meanwhile she is asking her girlfriends to help her get rid of you. When she turns her back to you, in most cases you would do the worst thing ever: shift your attention to the second prettiest girl in the pack. All the ladies in the club will hate you at that point.

A middle-aged guy can be interesting, when just being himself and his age. If you optimistically pursue girls in their 20s it is easy to overdo it and look like a total jerk. Your pick-up line might be even good, just not age appropriate. You are on a completely different stage of your life. As being more experienced, you should not chase someone who doesn’t show the correct interest in the first place. Look around. It is full of nice, interesting girls, that might be truly interested in you, with whom you don’t have to pretend. Need a pair of glasses?

Last but not least: you bachelors boast you have a busy sexual life, you have options and are disgusted by boring monogamous life; but, are you sure you have better sex on your random and drunken one-night stands than your married or happily related peers? I reckon I know the answer, but I’ll leave it to you to figure out.

The Guy Repellent Vibe

I am here to offer myself as a guinea pig for scientific research. There is something all women of this planet need a cureloveball_20070220a-1 for: the guy repellent vibe. No, it’s not when you are lesbian – that is something that turns men on! – it is when you want a man [desperately] and they just all run away from you. What is worse is that, when you are giving off this kind of vibe, there will always be a happily-related girl friend of yours who is attracting them all. Nice. And she nods her head faking embarrassment (but giggling inside), because she is is oh! engaged… You gotta forgive me, but I strangely feel the urge to kill you now.

No, seriously. I don’t know what is worse, the repellent vibe itself or the friend. But the two things together – and they always come in pair – are a curse. Nothing could ruin a night out more. All your good propositions destroyed by some idiot who is hitting on her instead of you.There is one thing only that will cheer me up right now, get crazy drunk and vomit on your shoes. And you are a good friend, so you will look after me, because I am the sad, desperate, miserable one- you lucky thing.

Why, why oh why do women get unable to attract men when they need one the most? Why can’t a woman who is good-looking, intelligent, nice and funny find a man? Okay, okay, I know the answer, it’s because she has the “I am desperate and will latch to any decent man” written right on her forehead (and decent really means any man). I know the bullsh$t, you are lonely and needy, distant, unpleasant and not truly interested, your body speaks on your behalf, you can pretend as much as you can, but you are f%cked – the guy repellent vibe possesses you.

That’s why we need an antidote.

I don’t want advice, that won’t work until the guy repellent vibe has been annihilated. And I don’t want to hear that I myself am the cause of my inability to find a man – that I should change my attitude (as if it was possible..). That is going to kill what is left of my self-esteem and the carcass will feed the evil vibe bigger and stronger. No, I need an antidote, a cure, a remedy, a potion, any kind of substance the science can find to neutralize the repellent vibe.

Bad thing it hasn’t been discovered yet. Tell me how I shouldn’t freak out now, I’m 32, time is ticking out!

loveball_20070220a-2Wanna see more of Miss Spinster? Check out the creator’s website!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, PUT YOUR HANDS UP! UP IN DA CLUB!

They were once called spinsters, nowadays, please, call them single ladies.

What makes a single lady a spinster? The dictionary reads a spinster is a woman still unmarried beyond the conventional age of marrying. I wonder what this conventional age of marrying is supposed to be. I must have passed the conventional age of marrying as I often happen to be asked: “When are you going to find a man?”.

First of all folks, things are usually found by chance or rather accidentally, you can’t plan to find anything. “I’m going to find the keys I lost tomorrow at 6”. Unless you are a clairvoyant.

Secondly, they don’t sell prince charming at the shopping centre (I wish they did, but they don’t sell any type of guy at all, I’m afraid), so I’m basically waiting to bump into him sooner or later. Better be riding a white horse…

Then, it is ALWAYS non-single women that ask the single ones the above mentioned question, accompanied by a pitiful expression. From their look you can tell they are sure you must be leading a very miserable life. You poor, sad, lonely and troubled woman. I blame Beyoncé for this, it’s all her fault, “single ladies” is shouted too close to “put a ring on it” and too many times in the same song!
Well, it is indeed very miserable going clubbing every third day, looking fabulous and being smart and glamorous. Not to mention free, independent, autonomous, emancipated. Admit it, you are secretly envious of single women, not just because they’re glamorous blah, blah, blah, because it takes guts to be on your own.

Singletude pills, taken to grow guts, have contraindications that are never mentioned on the informative leaflet, though. Once you get to be an independent, autonomous, emancipated woman, it gets harder and harder to find a prince charming. Not that a kiss from an emancipated woman cannot turn a frog into a prince, but when there is no beauty to rescue, princes get confused and don’t know how to act.

It might take some kissing of frogs before a decent prince comes along your way. Luckily princes are not all the same. A few of them are used to a lot of fighting (dragons) and are not scared of strong women. A few more others are not used to much fighting, but can learn how to handle and love an independent, emancipated woman (never give up hope). That is what single ladies are waiting for, as they don’t want to stick with a weak prince or, worse, with one of the frogs.

I’d rather get married at 40 than get divorced at 40*.

Prince Charming

*This thought is courtesy of my beloved friend Katharina, happily related to my other beloved friend Maik.