Please call me ‘Your Highness!–tales of when I become a princess [pt 1]

Kate has proved it, commoners can become royals. You can count me in the princess crowd.

I am destined to a Prince, a real blue-blooded crown-headed prince. He will come along and we will have a wonderful wedding like William and Kate just had (with the exception of Pippa; no fine @ss to steal the show from me on my wedding day). This is no fairytale, these things really happen. Don’t think of the damsel in distress cliché, I am talking about real women that have the guts to face the fishbowl of royal life, the public eye and tabloids, and the unenviable duties that come with it (as well as the money and material wealth). Princess-hood is no piece of cake. I am indeed a natural born princess.Prince-Carl-Philip

Thus established, let’s find my prince. Browsing royal bachelors I have recognised him at first sight: Prince Carl Philip of Sweden (I mean, have you seen him? he is f**king hot! and the others are too young anyway…). Perfect, I have a prince, now let’s get ready for my royal future. It is necessary to work hard in order to reach the princess status (no, he doesn’t know yet, but he will find out soon, he will be struck at first sight, exactly like me).

I have recently taken on Swedish classes to prepare for my future as princess of Sweden (shame on him he is not the crown prince, I would have made a perfect queen). I am also practicing my hand waving, as being a royal involves a lot of waving to the crowds from the balcony. Arm doesn’t move, wrist swifts softly, hands waves princessly. I am practicing my walk too, as it has to look like I am floating, floating through the courtyard of my palace. I am also working to refine my ribbon cutting technique. What’s left? Oh yes, I suppose I will have to start to mingle in the right circles and be with the right people… well, I know some Swedes, that should be fine.

I am ready to be scrutinized and defeat all other princess-hood aspirants. Carl Philip, brace yourself, here I come!

[what’s the cheapest airline to fly to Sweden?]

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ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, PUT YOUR HANDS UP! UP IN DA CLUB!

They were once called spinsters, nowadays, please, call them single ladies.

What makes a single lady a spinster? The dictionary reads a spinster is a woman still unmarried beyond the conventional age of marrying. I wonder what this conventional age of marrying is supposed to be. I must have passed the conventional age of marrying as I often happen to be asked: “When are you going to find a man?”.

First of all folks, things are usually found by chance or rather accidentally, you can’t plan to find anything. “I’m going to find the keys I lost tomorrow at 6”. Unless you are a clairvoyant.

Secondly, they don’t sell prince charming at the shopping centre (I wish they did, but they don’t sell any type of guy at all, I’m afraid), so I’m basically waiting to bump into him sooner or later. Better be riding a white horse…

Then, it is ALWAYS non-single women that ask the single ones the above mentioned question, accompanied by a pitiful expression. From their look you can tell they are sure you must be leading a very miserable life. You poor, sad, lonely and troubled woman. I blame Beyoncé for this, it’s all her fault, “single ladies” is shouted too close to “put a ring on it” and too many times in the same song!
Well, it is indeed very miserable going clubbing every third day, looking fabulous and being smart and glamorous. Not to mention free, independent, autonomous, emancipated. Admit it, you are secretly envious of single women, not just because they’re glamorous blah, blah, blah, because it takes guts to be on your own.

Singletude pills, taken to grow guts, have contraindications that are never mentioned on the informative leaflet, though. Once you get to be an independent, autonomous, emancipated woman, it gets harder and harder to find a prince charming. Not that a kiss from an emancipated woman cannot turn a frog into a prince, but when there is no beauty to rescue, princes get confused and don’t know how to act.

It might take some kissing of frogs before a decent prince comes along your way. Luckily princes are not all the same. A few of them are used to a lot of fighting (dragons) and are not scared of strong women. A few more others are not used to much fighting, but can learn how to handle and love an independent, emancipated woman (never give up hope). That is what single ladies are waiting for, as they don’t want to stick with a weak prince or, worse, with one of the frogs.

I’d rather get married at 40 than get divorced at 40*.

Prince Charming

*This thought is courtesy of my beloved friend Katharina, happily related to my other beloved friend Maik.