Reverse Chivalry

Ah, modern guys. Or modern girls, either way.

I have grown up believing that all a woman had to do was use her body language to tell the man she is interested. The man would have to do the rest – approach her, ask her out, get her number, call her, pick her up, take her on a date, pay for the drinks, take her home and kiss her good night. This routine for a few dates until she grants him the honour to take her into the bed (there seems to be a third-date-rule regarding this…).

This is prehistory. Today women are modern, emancipated and adventurous so they like making the first move (and the second, the third, the fourth..). Not that they are left with any alternative. If they wait for Prince Charming to come along by their simple flattering of eyelashes, they can wait forever, especially modern princes. If you ask the guys they all seem to be conservative and state that courting is a prerogative of men. In practice, they have lost the skill. Women had to break the taboo, for the conservation of the human species.

So it began, the era of women approaching and courting men. But how does it work? Offering them a drink probably works quite well, but how to proceed from there? I reckon guys wouldn’t accept flowers, or chocolates or stuffed animals in the same light as women do. Are women also supposed to pick them up and open the car door for them? There don’t seem to be set rules, but one thing is clear already: men are enjoying the flattery. They like the attention they are getting from women and they are getting so used to it, they almost seem to be seeking it all the time purely for the sake of being flattered left and right.

All this reverse chivalry can turn out to be amusing for ladies too. It certainly is more fun than simply sit waiting and it requires inventiveness. Girls can pull incredible courting acts out of their hat to surprise men. Yes, courting men and their reactions to reverse chivalry can be amusing, until… sbang! there comes the rejection.

Rejection per se is fine. Okay no, it’s not fine but we can live with that, I mean girls have the chance to be turned down like guys, but what entails emotional turmoil is the fact that guys don’t express their feelings clearly (the sassy side of me would like to add that men are jerks, full stop). Phone calls and textes start to gradually trail off. The moment they may realize you have lost interest, they suddenly re-appear temporarily, just to re-assure themselves you still like them and would go any length to pursue them. They would text, possibly at night (even the booty-call  has been surpassed by the booty-text), just to make sure you are answering and showing up in a nanosecond. Straight after that, they disappear again.They basically cheat to get the girl’s attention, and some sex, but not necessarily, the ego is often satisfied with just a bit adulation.

Now I wonder, did women use to be such bitches in the past? Is this payback?

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PATHETIC BACHELORS

If you’re male, approaching 40 or over and single, you had better not read. You might not like what I am about to say.
On the premise that I like older guys and always have.

Men mistakenly think that only women have a biological clock and that only women’s looks will fade with time. The problem is you guys have a clock too and only a few of you get better looking as getting older. Drizzled hair might have its charm, but I am sorry you’re not all George Clooney.

Just a few of you figure out they have a clock and are able to understand when it is the right time and the right woman to settle down. Other will keep chasing after 15/20-year-younger girls only to be confused on why they are rejected. Take a long hard look in the mirror, please.

sugar daddy

What I don’t seem to understand is if you all really believe time has not passed for you, or if you just wish to become a sugar daddy. In both cases, you often just look creepy.
I see you in the clubs, sweating and dancing embarrassingly. You are all over your prey, the prettiest of a pack of girls. You are drunk. She is not impressed at all and looking around (sipping the drink you bought her or waiting for you to get her one). If she goes to the ladies you turn and whisper to your buddies that she can’t wait to be in bed with you. Meanwhile she is asking her girlfriends to help her get rid of you. When she turns her back to you, in most cases you would do the worst thing ever: shift your attention to the second prettiest girl in the pack. All the ladies in the club will hate you at that point.

A middle-aged guy can be interesting, when just being himself and his age. If you optimistically pursue girls in their 20s it is easy to overdo it and look like a total jerk. Your pick-up line might be even good, just not age appropriate. You are on a completely different stage of your life. As being more experienced, you should not chase someone who doesn’t show the correct interest in the first place. Look around. It is full of nice, interesting girls, that might be truly interested in you, with whom you don’t have to pretend. Need a pair of glasses?

Last but not least: you bachelors boast you have a busy sexual life, you have options and are disgusted by boring monogamous life; but, are you sure you have better sex on your random and drunken one-night stands than your married or happily related peers? I reckon I know the answer, but I’ll leave it to you to figure out.

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, PUT YOUR HANDS UP! UP IN DA CLUB!

They were once called spinsters, nowadays, please, call them single ladies.

What makes a single lady a spinster? The dictionary reads a spinster is a woman still unmarried beyond the conventional age of marrying. I wonder what this conventional age of marrying is supposed to be. I must have passed the conventional age of marrying as I often happen to be asked: “When are you going to find a man?”.

First of all folks, things are usually found by chance or rather accidentally, you can’t plan to find anything. “I’m going to find the keys I lost tomorrow at 6”. Unless you are a clairvoyant.

Secondly, they don’t sell prince charming at the shopping centre (I wish they did, but they don’t sell any type of guy at all, I’m afraid), so I’m basically waiting to bump into him sooner or later. Better be riding a white horse…

Then, it is ALWAYS non-single women that ask the single ones the above mentioned question, accompanied by a pitiful expression. From their look you can tell they are sure you must be leading a very miserable life. You poor, sad, lonely and troubled woman. I blame Beyoncé for this, it’s all her fault, “single ladies” is shouted too close to “put a ring on it” and too many times in the same song!
Well, it is indeed very miserable going clubbing every third day, looking fabulous and being smart and glamorous. Not to mention free, independent, autonomous, emancipated. Admit it, you are secretly envious of single women, not just because they’re glamorous blah, blah, blah, because it takes guts to be on your own.

Singletude pills, taken to grow guts, have contraindications that are never mentioned on the informative leaflet, though. Once you get to be an independent, autonomous, emancipated woman, it gets harder and harder to find a prince charming. Not that a kiss from an emancipated woman cannot turn a frog into a prince, but when there is no beauty to rescue, princes get confused and don’t know how to act.

It might take some kissing of frogs before a decent prince comes along your way. Luckily princes are not all the same. A few of them are used to a lot of fighting (dragons) and are not scared of strong women. A few more others are not used to much fighting, but can learn how to handle and love an independent, emancipated woman (never give up hope). That is what single ladies are waiting for, as they don’t want to stick with a weak prince or, worse, with one of the frogs.

I’d rather get married at 40 than get divorced at 40*.

Prince Charming

*This thought is courtesy of my beloved friend Katharina, happily related to my other beloved friend Maik.

♥ LOVE* ♥ LOVE* ♥ LOVE* ♥ Valentine’s ideas for him & her

[originally posted on Monday, 01 February 2010 in Italian]

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, Love* is in the air. Shop windows and magazine covers are jammed withred hearts and red scripts. Pay attention to the tiny, barely visible,  asterisk though, on a closer look to the bottom of the page you will find the caption *conflict of interests (in font size 3,5).

Love nowadays is but a conflict of interests. The interests that conflict are simply 2: those of women and those of men. Men and women have the exceptional ability of wanting to be with someone from the opposite sex, with whom interests clash the most.

Women’s and men’s interests conflict to the point that it is necessary for every respectable magazine to show off some articles full of advice on how to come to terms at least on V-day (one single day per year, it is acceptable). I came across a very interesting one on U Magazine, in the section U Sex: 10 steps to cheat at blowjobs (yes, no euphemisms, it does read ‘blowjob’, so damn, I’ll use it too!).

A fantastic blowjob has to be part of a Valentine’s surprise, states the introduction. As many as 10 pieces of advice are given on how to: try to like it (so if it seems his hidden parts taste like something forgotten in the fridge for 2 weeks, you can suggest a sexy shower and wash him well down under); pretend you really like it (smile, you can drop your smile once your mouth is busy); make him like it to the point he will remember it forever.

This is the truest truth. If he forgets to take her out for dinner on V-day, or buy her a gift, she will surely get pissed off. If she forgets, it doesn’t matter, or better, who cares! A blowjob is enough. Even though she doesn’t like blowing. A conflict of interests, in short.

To be fair I have searched what men are advised to do in order to come to terms with women’s interests on V-day. What better place than AskMen.com? There they are, blabbed in home page, Top 10: Things to Do on Valentine’s Day. Ten again, easy to remember and within everyone’s grasp, as everyone is able to count to the total of fingers in their hands.

The 10 ideas to surprise a woman on V-day are more varied than the 10 to make a man happy – this doesn’t surprise me at all – and are all about romance (10. reenact your first date, 7. make a path of rose petals) with some spicy variations (4. have sex in public). The top piece of advice however, is always it:

1.  pop the question!
Even though men don’t like marriage.

This is where we are … marriage in exchange for a blowjob.

Have a Happy Valentine’s Day everybody! ♥

I wish to thank Miss Irene Lippi, inspiring source of the basic concept of this  blogpost, as well as for buying the illuminating magazine depicted above.

I wish to thank Miss Irene Lippi, inspiring source of the basic concept of this blogpost, as well as for buying the illuminating magazine depicted above.


ABRACADABRA – Men and the art of disappearance

Men and the art of disappearance

It is called the Houdini Effect. I’d rather call it the bunny effect. Houdini was a man of rare exceptional abilities, there is nothing rare and exceptional with the disappearing art of men. They are just like bunnies; they come out of the hat and a moment later they disappear back into the double bottom.

Some men disappear gradually, some disappear abruptly, some disappear when dating, some other when the relationship is just getting good. The easy explanation to men disappearing on women has so far been that they were only interested in sex and would disappear right after reaching their goal. Nowadays however, a whole new level of disappearance has been reached: men disappear even before making any appearance at all – thus, even before sex. How? They just show their ears off the hat and then straight back into the double bottom. Flirting by text, chat or facebook is the ultimate dating dimension; there isn’t always a next level.

All disappearing acts have one thing in common: the bunch of bullshit men tell women before disappearing. Whether they were just dating or having a relationship, the man was surely making some kind of promise right before disappearing out of thin air. He would say something or act a way that makes her think something good is going to happen – might even be a simple I’ll call you tomorrow. Then nothing. It doesn’t just sound mean, it is mean. It takes the woman some time and a number of unreturned calls, texts and emails to figure out he has broken up with her. Naively a woman might even think that something bad has happened to him (we always do).

Disappearing on someone is definitely a coward break up method, girls do it too sometimes, but what is really inconceivable about men is why on earth they would spend such energy in lying to the woman before. Why say let’s meet againI’ll take you to a wonderful date if you don’t intend to see her again? Why tell her that she is the woman of your life if you’re not that into her? Why lead her to believe the two of you have something special?

I can understand that the courtesy call could leave the woman upset; women don’t want to hear you say you are not attracted or not in love with them and it might be hard for you guys to put up with our frustration, but if you are not interested why pretend that you are? If you cared even for a moment, wouldn’t she deserve a break up talk rather than be left in a void open to too much speculation? Whatever your answer, you seem to be the kind to prefer your own convenience to considering the feelings of others. Too hard to bear, she might infuriate, so you avoid being honest and respectful. Well, vanishing is a lot more infuriating! Confrontation cannot harm you. We are all adults, if you are not in love we can handle it. If you are just not that into me, I don’t want you anyway. But I don’t read minds, you have to tell me. Are you not the one born with cojones ?


This blog is dedicated to my beloved single girl friends scattered around the world. Everywhere it is the same. Cheer up girls!
It is also dedicated to all of my non-single girl friends, despite the insolent bitch that I am, I know not all men are such a****les!