The Guy Repellent Vibe

I am here to offer myself as a guinea pig for scientific research. There is something all women of this planet need a cureloveball_20070220a-1 for: the guy repellent vibe. No, it’s not when you are lesbian – that is something that turns men on! – it is when you want a man [desperately] and they just all run away from you. What is worse is that, when you are giving off this kind of vibe, there will always be a happily-related girl friend of yours who is attracting them all. Nice. And she nods her head faking embarrassment (but giggling inside), because she is is oh! engaged… You gotta forgive me, but I strangely feel the urge to kill you now.

No, seriously. I don’t know what is worse, the repellent vibe itself or the friend. But the two things together – and they always come in pair – are a curse. Nothing could ruin a night out more. All your good propositions destroyed by some idiot who is hitting on her instead of you.There is one thing only that will cheer me up right now, get crazy drunk and vomit on your shoes. And you are a good friend, so you will look after me, because I am the sad, desperate, miserable one- you lucky thing.

Why, why oh why do women get unable to attract men when they need one the most? Why can’t a woman who is good-looking, intelligent, nice and funny find a man? Okay, okay, I know the answer, it’s because she has the “I am desperate and will latch to any decent man” written right on her forehead (and decent really means any man). I know the bullsh$t, you are lonely and needy, distant, unpleasant and not truly interested, your body speaks on your behalf, you can pretend as much as you can, but you are f%cked – the guy repellent vibe possesses you.

That’s why we need an antidote.

I don’t want advice, that won’t work until the guy repellent vibe has been annihilated. And I don’t want to hear that I myself am the cause of my inability to find a man – that I should change my attitude (as if it was possible..). That is going to kill what is left of my self-esteem and the carcass will feed the evil vibe bigger and stronger. No, I need an antidote, a cure, a remedy, a potion, any kind of substance the science can find to neutralize the repellent vibe.

Bad thing it hasn’t been discovered yet. Tell me how I shouldn’t freak out now, I’m 32, time is ticking out!

loveball_20070220a-2Wanna see more of Miss Spinster? Check out the creator’s website!

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ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, PUT YOUR HANDS UP! UP IN DA CLUB!

They were once called spinsters, nowadays, please, call them single ladies.

What makes a single lady a spinster? The dictionary reads a spinster is a woman still unmarried beyond the conventional age of marrying. I wonder what this conventional age of marrying is supposed to be. I must have passed the conventional age of marrying as I often happen to be asked: “When are you going to find a man?”.

First of all folks, things are usually found by chance or rather accidentally, you can’t plan to find anything. “I’m going to find the keys I lost tomorrow at 6”. Unless you are a clairvoyant.

Secondly, they don’t sell prince charming at the shopping centre (I wish they did, but they don’t sell any type of guy at all, I’m afraid), so I’m basically waiting to bump into him sooner or later. Better be riding a white horse…

Then, it is ALWAYS non-single women that ask the single ones the above mentioned question, accompanied by a pitiful expression. From their look you can tell they are sure you must be leading a very miserable life. You poor, sad, lonely and troubled woman. I blame Beyoncé for this, it’s all her fault, “single ladies” is shouted too close to “put a ring on it” and too many times in the same song!
Well, it is indeed very miserable going clubbing every third day, looking fabulous and being smart and glamorous. Not to mention free, independent, autonomous, emancipated. Admit it, you are secretly envious of single women, not just because they’re glamorous blah, blah, blah, because it takes guts to be on your own.

Singletude pills, taken to grow guts, have contraindications that are never mentioned on the informative leaflet, though. Once you get to be an independent, autonomous, emancipated woman, it gets harder and harder to find a prince charming. Not that a kiss from an emancipated woman cannot turn a frog into a prince, but when there is no beauty to rescue, princes get confused and don’t know how to act.

It might take some kissing of frogs before a decent prince comes along your way. Luckily princes are not all the same. A few of them are used to a lot of fighting (dragons) and are not scared of strong women. A few more others are not used to much fighting, but can learn how to handle and love an independent, emancipated woman (never give up hope). That is what single ladies are waiting for, as they don’t want to stick with a weak prince or, worse, with one of the frogs.

I’d rather get married at 40 than get divorced at 40*.

Prince Charming

*This thought is courtesy of my beloved friend Katharina, happily related to my other beloved friend Maik.

How do I get my girlfriend to lose weight?

Don’t worry lads, this is not going to be another blogpost on how superficial men are for not realizing that with time and age a woman will never look like she is twenty ever again (neither will you, by the way..).

We got to understand that you guys are more “visual” than women in a relationship. If we are lucky enough to be involved with one of you in a loving, committed relationship, we know that our weight will not matter in terms of love, but it will matter in terms of sexual attraction; and unattractiveness can harm a relationship. We know well. We know that after a while you might kick our (cellulitic) butt for a young and skinny girl.

Now, knowing this doesn’t mean it is okay. You are insensitive troglodytes. All you are able to think is that women tend to get comfortable and let themselves go when they are in a relationship. Wrong. Have you ever thought that your woman is primarily concerned about looking after you and feeding you? She cooks for you, to please you. She asks you what you feel like eating and carefully prepares the food you desire. She spends time in the kitchen to surprise you.  Right, that is why she puts on weight in the first place.

Even though she knows and kind of accepted that sooner or later you will tell her that she is fat, it usually comes in brutally and unexpected. Are we not naive?

So, you told her that she is fat and should lose weight, you obviously expect her to start dieting and work out. And be the usual loving self at the same time. Well man, she  loves you, no matter how your appearance has changed with time, but do you really think you can get away with it so easily? If you used the word “fat” and/or “weight”, that is what will resound in her head any time she sees your face from now on (synonyms may not be as brutal, but will have a similar effect). She knows pretty well that she has put on some extra kilos, but damn, there was no need to say it out loud! No one wants to hear that they are no longer attractive. Don’t be surprised if she becomes hostile and shows some kind of resistance. She might not start any diet at all or she might give up very easily.

Most of you guys expect women to diet while watching you feast at the table; sit next to you in the cinema sipping a diet beverage while you are crunching popcorns; go to the gym after work and come back to a house awaiting work and a playstation-playing-partner (or tv-watching-and-beer-drinking partner) awaiting dinner; work out every day while you complain about going up the stairs when the elevator is out of service.

You have to do something too, you have to help, you have to support her. You have to if you love her, and to feel what it is like, how hard it is, after you dared tell her that she is fat (don’t forget it is your fault in the first place). That is your price for being such a moron.

If you really want to get her to diet and work out, you better be the first one to start. Or you better do something very nice in return.

Alternatively, there are two things that have proven to make girls lose weight 100% guarantee:

1. being dumped

2. getting married

The choice is yours.