[originally posted on Monday, 01 February 2010 in Italian]
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, Love* is in the air. Shop windows and magazine covers are jammed withred hearts and red scripts. Pay attention to the tiny, barely visible, asterisk though, on a closer look to the bottom of the page you will find the caption *conflict of interests (in font size 3,5).
Love nowadays is but a conflict of interests. The interests that conflict are simply 2: those of women and those of men. Men and women have the exceptional ability of wanting to be with someone from the opposite sex, with whom interests clash the most.
Women’s and men’s interests conflict to the point that it is necessary for every respectable magazine to show off some articles full of advice on how to come to terms at least on V-day (one single day per year, it is acceptable). I came across a very interesting one on U Magazine, in the section U Sex: 10 steps to cheat at blowjobs (yes, no euphemisms, it does read ‘blowjob’, so damn, I’ll use it too!).
A fantastic blowjob has to be part of a Valentine’s surprise, states the introduction. As many as 10 pieces of advice are given on how to: try to like it (so if it seems his hidden parts taste like something forgotten in the fridge for 2 weeks, you can suggest a sexy shower and wash him well down under); pretend you really like it (smile, you can drop your smile once your mouth is busy); make him like it to the point he will remember it forever.
This is the truest truth. If he forgets to take her out for dinner on V-day, or buy her a gift, she will surely get pissed off. If she forgets, it doesn’t matter, or better, who cares! A blowjob is enough. Even though she doesn’t like blowing. A conflict of interests, in short.
To be fair I have searched what men are advised to do in order to come to terms with women’s interests on V-day. What better place than AskMen.com? There they are, blabbed in home page, Top 10: Things to Do on Valentine’s Day. Ten again, easy to remember and within everyone’s grasp, as everyone is able to count to the total of fingers in their hands.
The 10 ideas to surprise a woman on V-day are more varied than the 10 to make a man happy – this doesn’t surprise me at all – and are all about romance (10. reenact your first date, 7. make a path of rose petals) with some spicy variations (4. have sex in public). The top piece of advice however, is always it:
1. pop the question!
Even though men don’t like marriage.
This is where we are … marriage in exchange for a blowjob.
Have a Happy Valentine’s Day everybody! ♥